A Rumbustious Sing-along

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Top Five Statement/Question that Could Have Prompted or Followed the Gesture Below, on the Right

5. "Finally and most fiendish in difficulty, to receive your Ph.D. in miming, show us two Fuji apples. Wa ha ha ha ha."

4. "You're right, that the more teats we milk at once, the more money we can ultimately make. I'm glad we hired you on this dairy farm, Robert."

3. "So, to recap, how many beige sweater vests do you own?"

2 . "There's no way I'm going to let you hold the world hostage with your diabolical nuclear plasmobeams. Its too much power for one man!!!"

1. "This would be such a huge upset. I wish someone would raise the roof to encourage our team."

Two pictures

The photographic art's great gift to the world was its ability to stare into men's souls, seared into silver halide.

Today, we bring you two pictures that allow you to do just that. Click, and stare into the eyes of these men, if you can.

late to the party, lampshade on head

Yeah, "Year of the Pig," the second installment in Canadian hardcore outfit Fucked Up's attempt to craft a 12" for every year in the Chinese zodiac, came out a few months ago. Yeah, it's 19 minutes long. And yeah, this inexplicably hipster-jocked band is more or less lame as shit now (not really), considering they've graced the glossy pages of spunk-receptacle Spin.

But you know what? Even though I paid my $9 for "Year of the Pig," I didn't think I had the mental wherewithal to actually sit down and listen to a 19-minute punk song. The last band to do this was NOFX, and that band is so weak ("Punk In Drublic" aside, that's got some undeniable bangers), they think clowning on Christian bands from the main stage of the fucking Warped Tour is somehow subversive.

But honestly, it's a shame I didn't sit down with "Year of the Pig" until now. Because it's really, really good. Like, good enough that, had they included it on 2006's excellent double LP "Hidden World," making it the first punk-rock triple LP since, like, "Sandinista," I would've still been stoked. I expected it to be cool simply because it's a 19-minute jam from Fucked Up, one of the best and most challenging bands in hardcore today. I just didn't really expect to like it as much as I do. From its head-scratching piano-shuffle intro, wispy female vocals and all, to a ripping halftime breakdown and speedy, dolphin's-asshole-tight final third, this shit slays. Vocalist Pink Eyes is in top form, whether he's spitting absolute venom or giving the captivating instrumental room to breathe. It's one of the finest hardcore songs to come out this year, and in a genre that prides itself on short-fast-loud, this'll probably end up being our generation's "My War," except it took everyone 15 years to get on Black Flag's nuts for that one. This time around, it was pretty much instantaneous. Except for me, late to the party but still drunk as fuck. Seriously, go buy this record now.

Rap Classics

MF Grimm surely doesn't know that he's the Hephaestus of rap, a crippled and proud master of his craft who sourly watched an ascendant (mic) Ares steal his prize bride--mainstream success. The fifth line of "Book of Daniel", his hammer blow to MF Doom's glossy-with-the-Dutch-beer-of-the-upper-middle-class war mask?

"MF Grimm is God of War".

Let's forgive him for missing the irony (as we can be sure Doom didn't) because Grimm doesn't do irony, Grimm does spitting harder than white trash at seed spitting contests (thanks Pharoahe, for that one). For sixty straight songs.

You see, "Book of Daniel" is the final track of his TRIPLE ALBUM American Hunger, which was released last year to the interest of no one in particular. Three and a half hours of no skit-hop (should be a new genre) from a wheelchair bound shooting victim with half a voice met with the fanfare usually reserved for the Florida Marlins.

Which is a shame, because the album is a classic. Buy it and put it on your shelf, and don't be surprised if, after he dies, rappers and writers install him at the top of the hip-hop (H)Olympus. Or if he wheels himself up there, tired of waiting.

Cherished Myths About San Francisco, Suplexed By Reality

Some early surprises.

1. Relative Dearth of Rice-A-Roni and Other -A-Roni Products

2. Cable Cars Not Most Popular Form of Public Transportation

3. Hippy and Gay Populations Don't Try to Make You a Hippy or Gay, Respectively; Intention of Gay Hippies Unknown

4. Sean Connery is a Dirty Scottish Liar: Winners Whine About Doing Their Best and Losers Go Home and Fuck the Prom Queen?!

Scheduling Conflict; Bear With Me

Bears, the hippos of terra firma, have struck again. A Serbian man was stripped naked and eaten by bears at the Belgrade Zoo's annual beer festival, which apparently conflicted with the bears' annual human eating festival at the same location. The bears "reacted angrily" to zookeeper attempts to retrieve the body; they were already incensed that beer festival-goers enjoyed a world-class selection of beers light and dark, while the goods at their, concurrent, festival were limited to beer-fed and hirsute Slavs.