Cherished Myths About San Francisco, Suplexed By Reality

Some early surprises.

1. Relative Dearth of Rice-A-Roni and Other -A-Roni Products

2. Cable Cars Not Most Popular Form of Public Transportation

3. Hippy and Gay Populations Don't Try to Make You a Hippy or Gay, Respectively; Intention of Gay Hippies Unknown

4. Sean Connery is a Dirty Scottish Liar: Winners Whine About Doing Their Best and Losers Go Home and Fuck the Prom Queen?!

Scheduling Conflict; Bear With Me

Bears, the hippos of terra firma, have struck again. A Serbian man was stripped naked and eaten by bears at the Belgrade Zoo's annual beer festival, which apparently conflicted with the bears' annual human eating festival at the same location. The bears "reacted angrily" to zookeeper attempts to retrieve the body; they were already incensed that beer festival-goers enjoyed a world-class selection of beers light and dark, while the goods at their, concurrent, festival were limited to beer-fed and hirsute Slavs.

"I’ve Never Seen a G-Unit Logo Tattooed on Someone’s Face"

The implication being, of course, that the Genius has in fact seen the "logo, a monument in hip-hop, carved in a landscape of broken rocks", or rather, drawn painfully with a tiny needle on the faces of a delightful subset of his fans.

8 FUCKING DIAGRAMS. You don't need a Wu-Tang face tat to shit your shorts with excitement from this preview. But you might need a Yale philosophy doctorate to parse the Zen-riddle RZA drops, Tiger-style, on our muddled heads:

"How can hip-hop be dead if Wu-Tang is forever?" Hold your face, Nas.

Two Lemonparty System

So the Times of London just used some sort of political mapping website thingie to grid all the presidential candidates out as pictured above. If there's anything that's wrong with this country, its that almost none of our politicians can make it out of that fucking blue box.

Also, for those of you who caught the title reference, yes, the American political system is akin to a picture of three flabby old men sucking each other off.

Geriatric Incest Porn

So Jon's latest post over at Drunkgirlsexyface mentioned the book of Genesis, which reminded me of a subject I had been meaning to post about for a while now.

I recently finished reading Robert Heinlein's sci-fi masterpiece Stranger in a Strange Land, which I highly recommend, despite its rampant misinterpretation by a legion of patchouli-smeared free-love demagogues. At one point in the book, a character goes on a little rant about all the fucked up stuff in the Bible (of which there is no shortage), and eventually gets to the story of Lot.

I was vaguely familiar with this story from Sunday school...Lot lives in Sodom (or is it Gomorrah), God smites the city, his wife gets turned into a pillar of salt, etc. etc.

So Lot and his two daughters go to live in a cave, and, well, they start to get some...shall we say, "ants in their pants:" "And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth." (Gen: 19:31)

What to do? Well, the genius solution that these two slatterns hit upon is to...get their father drunk and fuck him. Which they each do on consecutive nights. Pretty gross, huh? The kind of thing that you'd think Christians would rather just not bring up, right? Because God...pretty much condones this nasty incestual date-rape.

Well, you'd be wrong. Turns out depictions of Lot and his horny daughters are rife in the canon of Western art. Thanks to the wags at the Skeptics Annotated Bible, I stumbled upon this delightful image:


Go on...give it a click for a closer look. Now...picture 17th century Dutch painter Hendrick Goltzius laboring for hours, trying to capture the perfect expression of drunken, incestual, old-man lechery on that motherfucker's face.

Good show, Goltzius. Good show, God; Lot. And good show, Lot's daughters. I sure hope your kids had only ten fingers.

Update: I used the epithet "motherfucker," without really thinking of the context. If you think about it, that motherfucker is flanked by two...fatherfuckers.

David Duke Nukem

When Capcom America was first informed of the premise for the new Resident Evil/Biohazard game from their Japanese braintrust, I bet one or four people in the office first thought it was a joke, as in a contrived narrative story which comically defies expectations, and then thought it was a joke, like, you can't...be...serious...

An American, white police officer goes to small-village Africa to investigate a zombie virus, where he is attacked by its entire mouth-foaming, eye-rolling population.

Somewhere, Al Sharpton is theatrically clearing his throat.

The trailer, while brilliantly edited, plucks every string on the racially insensitive krar: the indistinguishable Africans, lazy and inscrutable until they form a murderous, pitchfork-toting mob, are mowed down by the square-jawed white hero.

I'm praying that this game has a Constant Gardener-like twist, whereby an evil Western drug company infects these poor Africans with the T-virus, for two reasons: one, so I can play it, because it looks amazing, and two, so that a major corporation did not actually approve a game solely about a white police officer going to Africa to kill crazed black people.