"Oh, and yes, by the way, the sex is much better when you are well born and attractive."

10:12 PM
Georgetown, Washington D.C.

It is night, bathed in the warm glow of streetlights and alcohol. Against the venerable brick, flips flop and stilettos tattoo a intoxicated two-step towards the brass bar rails of the capital's de-docked Potomac port. They converge in the night, light glinting off pearls and tangling up in the plaid symphony of madras, ricocheting off the filigreed brass-button Brooks Brothers coat-of arms down the luscious cerulean luge-track of creased seersucker...

There are many human pathologies, many elemental idiocies in the writhing mass of personality that peoples this world. Many of them are facilely and effortlessly mocked, but few present such a juicy panoply of derisory bulls-eyes than the archetypal frat-boy douchebag. To dredge out the rote and tired routine of a rant against them would seem poor form, in the second post of a recently germinated blog--nothing's worse than a joke everyone's heard a million times.

Occaisonally, though, these over-privilged, over-pastelled idiots can put their empty heads together and spawn something so magnificently stupid--and abundantly hilarious--that the humorists pen must be familiarly but not quite ruefully be hefted to blot the fronts of a thousand polo shirts with the ink of mockery. The joking sport welcomes like the arms of an old lover, albeit with none of the post-coital guilt.

Returning to our Georgetown scene, the fun begins. D.C. is well-known to its citizens and visitors as harboring a vast panoply of rich frat-boy douchebags and their (mostly) blond distaff coterie, who swarm to the capital's sweaty teat of lobbying, I-banking, and general establishment- whoring like so many suckling sucklings.

In 2006, this squealing battalion of bar-hopping, influence-peddling assholes decided to band together on a social-networking site called "Late Night Shots," an invitation-only cesspool of lechery, misogyny, and racism, leavened with lacrosse-playing frat-pledging dollop of shit-yeast. The site promised an opportunity to wax fucking retarded on the D.C. bars its members frequented, regale their fellow WASP princelings with cringe-inducing tales of alcohol-fueled triumph and tragedy, and become "drinking buddies" (the site's version of facebook or myspace's "friends")

The Washington City Paper recently ran a priceless expose on the site, which chronicles pretty effectively of all the naseauting idiocy perpetrated by mouse-wielding, mouth-breathing collection of beer-bonging dipshits. The full effect, however, is reserved for the comments section, where various "LNS" members flailingly defend their breached honor, breathlessly threatening lawsuits and flinging about comparisons to Al-Qaeda.

It turns out that D.C. gossip blog Wonkette has been on the case for a while, occasionally compiling the best (or rather, worst) of the LNS forums and exposing the fleshy, cable-knit underbelly of assholes anonymous. They've got snark in oil-drum volumes on the comments here, and the reaction to the City Paper article on the LNS forums here.

I want to point out that this is really mind-boggling to me. I've been out in Georgetown, and I was fully aware that the areas nightlife is, as Wonkette so aptly describes it, "that special mix of date rape, shitty beer, and racial homogeneity." But I would have never in a million years have suspected that the assholes that plopped their khaki shorts and denim mini-skirts onto the bar stools around me were actually reaching out through the internet to each other with the Cthonic tentacles of laughably misguided exclusivity? That the douchebags one inevitably encounters in Georgetown have organized into a kind of street gang?

On the other hand, however, the fact that these hive-minded hard-ons in boat shoes and their over-tanned bitch-brigade have managed to translate their pathetically insecure version of social reality into computer code isn't as impossible as it sounds. This kind of culture has always thrived on an inbred and self-obsessive scene-policing, constantly seeking to purge itself of the unworthy to preserve the fragile sense of privilege-through-exclusivity that its remaining members so desperately crave. Think of Stalinist Russia, or, if you like, The House of Mirth with keg stands and Red Bull. Late Night Shots has simply managed to create a vast country club locker room on the internet, a place for cretins to guffaw about all the people they think they're keeping out.

I, for one, am hoping that a lawsuit comes out of this, or at least a firing, so the utter humiliation of these rank idiots is complete. I leave you with this gem from the LNS forums:

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Breakage
Posted By: Plan B on 11-29-2006 10:00 am Report as shockingly offensive


Last night, after a few too many glasses of wine at Milano, I dropped my date off at her apartment. She asked me up for a drink. I was not into it, but Tuesday night takedowns only happen ever so often so I proceeded. She made me wear a condom because she was not on the pill for some reason. Deed done, I went into the bathroom to dispose of said condom and discovered it had long since broken. In a panic, I went back into her room, chatted for a few minutes and then departed gracefully. She also mentioned she was glad we slept together because she was getting her period in a few days. I failed to mention whatsoever that I may have impregnated her. Do I have to say something or just leave it be and hope she won’t get pregnant? Maybe she knew? I never want to see or talk to her again. She was a boring conversationalist and the sex was bad.

RE: Breakage
Posted By: oh god on 11-29-2006 12:00 pm Report as shockingly offensive

wait, plan b? im kind of freaking out. were you at a table in the front room of milano with me at milano and did we stop at the cvs in gtown before going back to my place to buy durex ultra thin condoms? i tried calling but you wont pick up.

RE: Breakage
Posted By: Plan B on 11-29-2006 12:16 pm Report as shockingly offensive

oh god: I probably should have searched for your profile on here first. That’s us. Check your gmail and tell me what you want to do. Sorry.

RE: Breakage
Posted By: oh god on 11-29-2006 1:16 pm Report as shockingly offensive

this is unbelievable. how could you not tell m? i could have taken plan b this morning instead of having to run all the way to cvs sobbing.
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Doesn't it just warm your heart? Last dose of Last Week's Shots from Wonkette here.